Lost in darkness….

Posted On October 11, 2004

Filed under Personal

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I have no idea why am I falling asleep in the office nowadays. Perhaps I’d grow the dislike of my surroundings and I’m tired, completely exhausted. No matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to live up to my parents’ expectations. They didn’t give high expectation on me, but I feel I’m useless already. I’m actually afraid to move forward. I have too much to worry about that I try to run away from reality. I know life is not only about honey and bees but… I don’t know…I just don’t know….. It makes me shuddered and afraid. I’m lost in darkness.

When I past through the Wisma MBSA the other night, old memories keep on flowing back into my mind. I can’t help it, and tears started to fall. I can’t let my parents know that I cried and secretly wiped off my tears. I wanted to cry out loudly. The emotion is just beyond control. Yes, I’d cried numerous times. It must be silly to cry that much. I have never cry like that for a long time. Not for small matters. I think I’m mellowing. I wanted to be a steel-hearted girl. Now it’s not what I wanted. I’d become a weakling.

The glorious moment that happened last year, at the very same building inside the Auditorium of Wisma MBSA, the first I’d feel I did accomplished my duty as a sister. I can finally see that my little sister is getting to like being with me to go for a concert of my liking. It takes too much effort to teach her music as we only fight till the end of the class, she learns nothing and I taught nothing to her. For the first time, she enjoys it as much as I do. It is now only just a memory. I don’t know when I will be able to watch the orchestra with her again. She has changed – time changed so as people.

How much do I desire – Yes, I desire a life of the 20’s. I’m not getting a life of in 20’s. I feel very old and lost. Yes, LOST is the word to describe me now. I have lost my touch of writing, enjoying my old self, I’d even letting go of my 10 years of musical skills that I’d been trying to build up since I was a child. Now, whenever I click onto my mp3 player, listening to classical, I will cry non-stop. I feel my heart been stabbed. It horrified me. What has become of me?

I have nothing. Emptiness filled my heart, soul and life. I’d lost my world. I’d no longer the old waterkisses. I am watertears.

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